Yesterday was not a good day for me. I awoke at 6 am. I immediately felt a need to pet my cat. She is back at the casita waiting for me to feed her. I love my dog, but she smells like dead fish most of the time. My cat still carries the deep earth scent from home. I made coffee, let the dog out, and turned on the computer. I began to think about my mother and our poor communication over the last two years. When I opened email, I read a short and sweet note from my sister, and another one from a dear friend who recently celebrated his birthday. On Facebook, nothing new was posted by my children. One friend had been insulted by a comment I had made that was to be read sarcastically. It was about George Clooney, really nothing of importance. I made arrangements to have a girlfriend, fluent in Spanish, speak with my contractor for the new house. I visited briefly with a girlfriend down the street. The sky was overcast, and as I approached her front door, it began to rain. I gave her a wet hug and she gave me a wet kiss on the cheek. She and her husband informed me that his mother had died the day before. After leaving her home, I took the beach road back to my casita. I was chased by a dog I love that I no longer am able to visit. Upon our arrival, she greeted my dog, ate my cat’s food, and headed back to her home. While I ate some breakfast, I listened to NPR on my satellite radio. My cat didn’t show up until three hours after my arrival. I was rescued from my sad mood by an invitation to have a late lunch with my girlfriend. This was followed by a brainstorming rush around us starting a business in our new country. Another friend joined us for leftovers and wine at the house I am sitting. After they left, I cleaned the kitchen, checked email, and finally went to bed around 11 p.m..
Side-by-side, the two days look the same on paper. There is nothing visible to suggest why one day was internally processed different from the other. I had the same amount of sleep, consumed little alcohol, and had plenty of contact with friends. On the surface, it would appear that nothing overwhelming took place.
As I dug a bit deeper during conversation with the women in my life, this is what I realized:
- The transition from the old life into the encore life is a roller coaster ride. I’m terrified of heights and for me, there is no joy in the sensation of having my stomach make attempts to leave my body.
- I’m grieving. I love that I am surrounded by new friends, yet I miss the ones from home that know me best. The energy, even if I don’t actually experience it as stressful, is still being put forth at an elevated level. I have new physical cues to learn, new idioms and metaphors, and the names of significant others in these women’s lives. Our discussions around our children, fills me with pain. I love my kids so much and as I find them to be the most fascinating human beings I have ever known, I begin to fear that I will never again feel as connected to them as I did before I moved here.
- I’m excited about my new house and yet, the length it takes to close, or get any major task completed here, makes me yearn for the fast food mentality back home. The house will give me a foundation and a direction for putting down deep roots. As it is in the city, some forty-minutes from this fishing village, I will once again be faced with the emotional mischief of being separate and alone. On the other hand, I won’t wake up with a bucket of sand between my toes and comfortably nestled in every orifice of my body!
- Many women are just crazy cat ladies, so we must have someone watch our houses when we go on vacation or tend to family matters out-of-state/country. I’m just kidding on the crazy cat lady thing, but we singles do rely upon one another. I am being trusted by someone I barely know to care for her life here. After almost two weeks, I still haven’t adjusted to the sounds of her house. I find I feel stressed about things that may not happen. What if her house is broken into when I’m at my new home pulling weeds? Will I be blamed forever or labeled by the gossips in our community as irresponsible?
I’ve landed in this new life. I’ve proceeded, as best as I can, to function at the level I would have in my former life. I’ve miscalculated the amount of energy that each new step will take from me, and I don’t have a tip for today. So, I ask, what advice do you have for me?
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10 comments:
I think you are still adjusting, and you have a foot in each of your worlds. Perhaps the news of the death of your friend's mother has awakened your frustration with your relationship with your own mother, which can be viewed as a death of sorts. It may help to realize how much you have grown as a person, while she may be in an age related stagnation, or is just stubborn! She may still perceive you as a much younger, more immature version of the person you are today. In any case, a long absence of communication can only lead to sorrow and self recrimination later. I needed to suck it up and just call after a 4 year hiatus! And it was OK. She is who she is, and you are who you are, but she will always be your Mother. Nuff said. I want to see that French blue planter box! Picture please!
Fine thoughts expressed up there ^ and after my roller coaster dayweekmonthyear I am not qualified to advise. Only this: You're stepping out and doing something right now that many people regret not having done at the end of days. You won't have an "if only" when it comes to this life you've wanted in another country. It is incredibly stressful, and yet look at how you're settling in. I am amazed by you. You're creating a whole new life at the beach and a year ago wouldn't have imagined it, at least not like this. And you have met fine women there and those relationships are new and can't possibly be like the ones you left behind. Just do what you need to do for one day and don't compare one day to another. Some crusty old broad in AA once told me "quit checking your emotional temperature 48 times a day and you'll probably be a lot happier. Just do what's in front of you." I don't know if that's good advice or bad. It almost has to be good coming from a crusty old broad, yes? :-)Bottom line, you are doing so well overall. What's a day? Good days, bad days, they come and they go. Who knows why. (Now that sounded like someone's crusty Jewish grandmother. I can hear the voice.) Okay. I'm giddy for having vanquished my court foes, so heading to bad after having rattled on here at to great length. Sleep tight, Missy Bee.
Oh, and yes ... planter box photos, please.
Thanks for the support ladies. It is a bit like taking ones temperature too frequently. On the mother issue, it would be nice to have her sharing this adventure. I think she is popping up in my thoughts more frequently as the woman I am house sitting for has returned to her home country to clean out the drawers in her mother's home. In spite of the difficult task, she is braver than most. And yes, I'll post a picture tomorrow! Hugs!
"BREATH"
Posted for AC: "It is what you asked for Dorothy; to leave Kansas and the familiar, to become disoriented, to allow the tornado of chaos to toss you about. As a reminder, this means loss, grief, uncertainty. There's much to miss as well as much to explore and there's down time in both places. There's misgivings and frustrations in both worlds. But none of us have been able to occupy two space and time intersections simultaneously, so you chose. You chose today, you chose tomorrow. A friend uses the phrase: "It's all good" and it is. Hang in there, dear friend. I know you will, but just tweak the expectations to allow for the gnawings of loss."
Look, you're doing IT. And you are right: the roller coaster is in your head. I liked the advice about not checking your emotional temperature 48 times a day. But I'm a guy and we're pretty simple. This reminds me of my favorite man/woman joke: http://www.blameitonthevoices.com/2008/05/difference-between-men-and-women-in.html
Charles! I just read your joke!
Benne' - I see the reply button doesn't work for you either. So, did you laugh? I hope I hope I hope.
You write your internal feelings as if they are coming straight from your mind. I can hear your voice clearly.
Well done.
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