What Have I Done : PART 2

Tonight, as I house sit for a woman who has temporarily returned to her country of origin, I heard the horrifying sound of gushing water hitting a concrete floor.  I knew who I could count on for help.  The situation was temporarily resolved and the solution will be taken care of in the morning.  Now, that is my kind of community!

Every expatriate in my small fishing village has brought a skill and passion with them.  Some arrange fundraisers that will help the children in the village attending parochial school or receive a present from Santa at Christmas.  Others are reducing the feral cat and dog populations; finding homes and arranging spay and neuter clinics.  Painting classes are being offered to village children and adults.  A restaurant is turned into a monthly market with booths of wares created or offered by natives and expatriates.  When any municipality system is down, someone will alert the rest of us by making a post or sending out an email.  If the internet is down, an informal phone tree begins.  One expatriate woman maintains a record of all the emergency contacts of those who give her their information.  Another group has shared the procedure for filing a police report for a burglary, and updates us on their dialogues with authorities in our area. 

While our face is benevolent, our mask looks like the grimacing contortion associated with the Greek muse, Melpomene, the tragedy half of the theater duo.  The petty becomes monumental in a small community.  A long time property owner, who hasn’t landed here full-time, is told upon first meeting someone who is full-time, that she should not expect to have her name remembered.  A disparaging story is circulated multiple times by a single man about another man before it is disclosed that the two have never met.  A vulnerable person is courted to share her story, being reassured that “what is said under the palapa, stays under the palapa”, and yet those very personal details are shared with people who are strangers to her.

It is easy for a generation brought up on the belief that someone behaving in a hurtful manner has suffered in the past.  Many find themselves angered by what is referred to as gossip.  Our first inclination is to theorize explanations for the behavior, when in truth this sampling of scenarios is relational aggression.  If you know of anyone in their teenage years, they can tell you all about it as they live with it daily.   

  

If the ecstaticism of your whirling dervish dance with your encore life is being thwarted by relational aggression, invoke the following:

• Recenter yourself!  Call a friend from back home, take a long walk, or eat chocolate.  Whatever you did for yourself back home will probably help you in your new life.  Re-establishing your healthy habits will fill you with a sense of resiliency.

• Correct assumptions!  I am a big believer in correcting the assumptions others may have made about me.  Unfortunately, most of what is happening in these scenarios is covert, therefore you are unlikely to hear anything being said about you directly.  It takes a lot of inner strength to inform people with whom you are just forming relationships with that you are not interested in hearing gossip.  For me, I would rather walk away from the situation than remain silent.  If I’m listening, I’m being a passive bystander thus agreeing that the aggressive words are sanctioned by me.

• View these situations as opportunities to weed through the seed.  My rule of thumb is to allow disgruntled news to stand once.  If the story is repeated a second time, there is little chance that the unhappy or angered person will correct the problem proactively.  As difficult as it may be, don't demonize them for not taking steps to rectify their situation.  

• Happily-Ever-After begins with happily!  Your encore life is yours alone.  You can create the life you want!  Go Team You!

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