- James Baldwin
I've written about the use of the Four Agreements in my life and professional work many times in these post. I know from experience and listening to other expatriates in my community that living abroad can be a transformational journey of varing degrees. For those that have always been inclined to reach for the higher self, living abroad offers many opportunities to challenge your better nature. In preparation for the move abroad it is helpful to examine how you are responding to life stresses in your familiar surroundings and create some tweaks so you bring only what you need in your carry-on luggage.
Deadly Sin #1 :: Not Being Impeccable With Your Word
This one is multifaceted. It is a very human trait to share gossip about ourselves and others as a form of connecting. This is especially true in an expat community where you have no shared history. Where you are now, in any particular passage in your life, is who you are. I'm sure it has happened to you that someone believes something about you that isn't true. If it seems like just a little somethin' somethin', ya'll know, not very significant, you just let it be. A year before I made my leap, another artist from Austin made his. As part of his process he connected with as many people as possible through Facebook. We had never met but we had a few mutual friends and had each sold just about everything we owned to promote our new lives. One night when we were chatting on FB, for whatever reason, he thought I was pursuing him romantically, and decided to derail the train. I was mildly invested in the friendship, and with his journey of traveling for an indefinite period, my impulse was to back away. Instead, I corrected his assumption, and created an opportunity to develop a friendship that is more significant from where it began two years ago.
Deadly Sin #2 :: Taking Others' Actions Personally
I use to be part of a jam group back in Austin. It was one of my very favorite things to do and for most of us in the jam, it was filling a void that we hadn't realized needed filling. The majority of us weren't musicians, but we became musicians through this fellowship and the help of a few strong guitar players. The rule was established early on that if you wanted the group to learn a new piece of music you had to know how to play it. I wanted to introduce a song by Alison Krauss It was a real struggle for me as I barely played my mandolin beyond basic chords. The song was not in a key that was flattering to my voice. I made some orchestration adjustments and to trick it out, I used a banjo capo that allowed me to play the simpler chords and change the key. A few weeks later I was passing the music out. I have a bit of stage fright so it was helpful that most of the jammers were familiar with the song. As I'm playing, one of the guitarist starts strumming hard and fast, not the tempo I've selected at all. He interrupted our vocals by informing us that he had been working on an arrangement for this very song. With the interruptions we had to begin again, but this time instead of being nervous I was pissed off. I left the jam group pretty much for good. When the situation no longer felt supportive, it was my responsibility to address it. If I had, I would have had another year playing, learning, and feeling a deep connection with people I love. My loss!
Deadly Sin #3 :: Making Assumptions
I was once a step-parent. Whenever the family was out and about, invariably one of us would see something of shocking interest. "Hey, did you see that (fill in the blank) on the side of the road," and at this my step-daughter would state that the (fill in the blank) didn't exist. The hard and fast rule was if she didn't see it, it didn't happen. As a result of prenatal neurological damage she was tied to concrete thinking for the rest of her life. If my step-daughter was unable to restructure her language to include the possibility that other realities existed, she was unlikely to develop the ability to trust others, and others would not trust her. No matter how innocuous it sounded, she was implying that everyone was a liar to one degree or another. This particular kink in her cognitive chain was my crucible. I was determined to creatively challenge her in an effort to save both of us from madness! I came up with this car ride game where each person looked out the window closest to them and reported what they were seeing. Once all had reported their observation, one of us would tell a story with all the perspectives, thus resulting in a 360 degree tale of the world outside of the car. This was repeated until everyone had taken a turn. Though my step-daughter would remain limited, she found the exercise novel enough that she could include, if not believe, the existence of others' realities.
Deadly Sin #4 : Not Doing Your Best
Apologies are not effective if we don't attempt to improve our game. Taking responsibility for our own reactions and acts is one of the very best indicators of a matured soul. One of my favorite women in the world describes herself as being Marilyn Munster, the normal character from the television show The Munsters. My family is filled with some colorful characters. That's the polite Southern way of saying they are mental! One Mardi Gras season, long after we had been tucked into bed, my mother came screaming into our room holding a handful of beads. Apparently, leaving the beads on the floor of the playroom was enough to cause Mother to threaten a double homicide followed by a suicide via the gas oven. In the tradition of healer heal thyself, I've attempted to be a better parent at every stage of life with my children and the children I've worked with in counseling and and arts programs. There were days when I was on target, days when I was ill, and days that made me want a Bloody Mary as soon as I arrived home. Each of those days presented me with an opportunity to put my best foot forward, sometimes after the fact.
Cheers to lighter travels and less make-up!
Create the life you want!
The Broad
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Deadly Sin #1 :: Not Being Impeccable With Your Word
This one is multifaceted. It is a very human trait to share gossip about ourselves and others as a form of connecting. This is especially true in an expat community where you have no shared history. Where you are now, in any particular passage in your life, is who you are. I'm sure it has happened to you that someone believes something about you that isn't true. If it seems like just a little somethin' somethin', ya'll know, not very significant, you just let it be. A year before I made my leap, another artist from Austin made his. As part of his process he connected with as many people as possible through Facebook. We had never met but we had a few mutual friends and had each sold just about everything we owned to promote our new lives. One night when we were chatting on FB, for whatever reason, he thought I was pursuing him romantically, and decided to derail the train. I was mildly invested in the friendship, and with his journey of traveling for an indefinite period, my impulse was to back away. Instead, I corrected his assumption, and created an opportunity to develop a friendship that is more significant from where it began two years ago.
Deadly Sin #2 :: Taking Others' Actions Personally
I use to be part of a jam group back in Austin. It was one of my very favorite things to do and for most of us in the jam, it was filling a void that we hadn't realized needed filling. The majority of us weren't musicians, but we became musicians through this fellowship and the help of a few strong guitar players. The rule was established early on that if you wanted the group to learn a new piece of music you had to know how to play it. I wanted to introduce a song by Alison Krauss It was a real struggle for me as I barely played my mandolin beyond basic chords. The song was not in a key that was flattering to my voice. I made some orchestration adjustments and to trick it out, I used a banjo capo that allowed me to play the simpler chords and change the key. A few weeks later I was passing the music out. I have a bit of stage fright so it was helpful that most of the jammers were familiar with the song. As I'm playing, one of the guitarist starts strumming hard and fast, not the tempo I've selected at all. He interrupted our vocals by informing us that he had been working on an arrangement for this very song. With the interruptions we had to begin again, but this time instead of being nervous I was pissed off. I left the jam group pretty much for good. When the situation no longer felt supportive, it was my responsibility to address it. If I had, I would have had another year playing, learning, and feeling a deep connection with people I love. My loss!
Deadly Sin #3 :: Making Assumptions
I was once a step-parent. Whenever the family was out and about, invariably one of us would see something of shocking interest. "Hey, did you see that (fill in the blank) on the side of the road," and at this my step-daughter would state that the (fill in the blank) didn't exist. The hard and fast rule was if she didn't see it, it didn't happen. As a result of prenatal neurological damage she was tied to concrete thinking for the rest of her life. If my step-daughter was unable to restructure her language to include the possibility that other realities existed, she was unlikely to develop the ability to trust others, and others would not trust her. No matter how innocuous it sounded, she was implying that everyone was a liar to one degree or another. This particular kink in her cognitive chain was my crucible. I was determined to creatively challenge her in an effort to save both of us from madness! I came up with this car ride game where each person looked out the window closest to them and reported what they were seeing. Once all had reported their observation, one of us would tell a story with all the perspectives, thus resulting in a 360 degree tale of the world outside of the car. This was repeated until everyone had taken a turn. Though my step-daughter would remain limited, she found the exercise novel enough that she could include, if not believe, the existence of others' realities.
Deadly Sin #4 : Not Doing Your Best
Apologies are not effective if we don't attempt to improve our game. Taking responsibility for our own reactions and acts is one of the very best indicators of a matured soul. One of my favorite women in the world describes herself as being Marilyn Munster, the normal character from the television show The Munsters. My family is filled with some colorful characters. That's the polite Southern way of saying they are mental! One Mardi Gras season, long after we had been tucked into bed, my mother came screaming into our room holding a handful of beads. Apparently, leaving the beads on the floor of the playroom was enough to cause Mother to threaten a double homicide followed by a suicide via the gas oven. In the tradition of healer heal thyself, I've attempted to be a better parent at every stage of life with my children and the children I've worked with in counseling and and arts programs. There were days when I was on target, days when I was ill, and days that made me want a Bloody Mary as soon as I arrived home. Each of those days presented me with an opportunity to put my best foot forward, sometimes after the fact.
Cheers to lighter travels and less make-up!
Create the life you want!
The Broad
